The ultimate betrayal -

The very real incidents where people stray from 'home' and find something with others, whether that happens once only or becomes a longer habit, often wreaks havoc with what we have come to think of as 'our' spouse or partner.

The shattering of expectations is hard indeed. We tend to form relationships with someone whom we believe we can trust to be as we see them, act as we expect of them and conform to what is generally supposed to be the 'right conduct'.  We have come to believe they are for us and we for them. We have discussed fidelity and faithfulness, and we agreed on the terms for our partnership.

And then something happens, something unforeseen, something awful that changes how we think and feel about the other. And we point to that event, to the other, and ask the wonderfully rhetorical question "what have you done? how could you do this? how could this happen to us?
Since there are no good answers when we ask from a place of hurt and anger and rejection, we tend to find more pain, guilt, shame and blame - the foursome that most often follows every negative experience.

There may be recriminations - "did I not know something was not right? Did I perhaps close my eyes? Well, he/she should have stuck with me anyway. Did I avoid conversation, did I push too hard, not enough? What did I miss?"  These are good questions - but often enough the answers take too much pain to process and there is anger at having to sort things when we're already turned inside out.

Eventually, there is huge sadness, perhaps an acceptance of the first (and maybe final) break of trust and a chance to heal, repair the rift, grow up to truly be with the other - or not.  Finding a way out of the 'mess' together is very powerful. Whether the partnership survives or not is secondary to truly working it out within ourselves. This is ultimately perhaps the most triumphant score of the event.

So is separation a good thing? It can be.
In my practice I see people who have experienced this shattering of their expectations, who try to cope with broken promises and who are trying to pick up the pieces of what has happened. In the case of infidelity, it is particularly hard for those who already have trust and loyalty issues and for whom one of the worst case scenarios has just occurred.

"I thought I could trust her/him, that's the last thing I expected to happen. After all that I've been through with my..... " - you fill in the blanks. Sometimes, it is easier to set one self apart and stay alone for a while or move back home if that's a healthy option - take a break, get some distance, find a different perspective - talk to someone neutral about it, ask yourself what you want to gain or learn from this experience.

Since we take ourselves with us wherever we go to take a break is often temporary, but it can help clear the air. We don't see the other anymore - the pain is segregated from hurling anger at the culpable partner. Taking a bit of time away can be very beneficial, especially when we include long meandering walks or have set aside time to be alone in a natural environment, where there is no other distraction. Where we can find some peace and there are no others who comment on what has happened (like there might be if you went home again).


Self examination, the review of what happened before the event occurred, the gentle assessment of our own ways within the relationship are all good measures to get to ourselves. Certainly not in a self punishing way - "How could I have been so blind, so stupid, to trust or how did I miss that, I should have not..." Not that way. Observe and examine your thoughts - by all means - cry, howl, express your anger - and always return to your inquiries.

You are meant to become aware of your emotions - and allow them to be. "Of course," you say "that's easy. I can't help hurting and feeling really really upset."  Then stay with that, it's okay, feel it, and allow the feeling to be there. Now, watch how your mind is making up stories about what happened, telling you "he should have done it this way - that was very irresponsible - why did she do this to me - didn't he know this would hurt me - I can't believe how thoughtless she has been -  people have no consideration - I can't believe he kept all this to himself for so long. I should have known about her betrayal, she was my best friend."

All these potentially true and yet unrelated statements can apply to one or several situations, and they are the questions we ask of the situation. We ask questions to which there are no answers. And we would not want to hear actual explanations or answers, because what we really want to know is "how I can I stop from hurting so bad". In the absence of such an option we drive deeper into the pain and hand out blame, guilt, rejection, shame and more pain.

Stay present with yourself and watch the thoughts that follow your feelings. Watch how the stories in your head can become fantastic and unreal - watch with a bit of distance how it can spiral out of proportion - and allow all that to be there but don't believe everything you think. 

Now watch for when the stories go to "he/she did exactly what these others used to do - I don't deserve to be treated that way, there is no justice, it's not right, they're just like..." Now you have access to the past, to what has caused your pain originally. This newly triggered pain sounds like, feels like, but is not the same - rather it's an invitation to rise up and slay the old dragon from your past.  You may not be able to do so in the midst of your crisis, but whenever possible take time and reflect.

Perhaps in reading this blog, it will invite some reflection on past issues and initiate a desire to clear up something from a longer time ago. After all, whatever happens to us these days has already happened in another way a long time ago - we just have to connect the dots and gain the necessary insights.

Don't worry if you don't get it the first time, few of us do. All I can tell you that your gain is immeasurable, your inner freedom sweet and your peace of mind, ultimately, all you want.

Blessings to you